Gem in Black
by Sariel V
Summary: What happens when a LoM-lover has seen way too many movies? He writes something like this.
1. Default Chapter

Gem in Black

# Gem in Black

  


* * *

  
  


Chrys, Blackguards, and the GiB are all creations of Dom`ny Mortis, based on concepts by Square, all rights reserved. Setting and all other characters property of Square, ARR. The plot elements taken from three highly prominent movies belong to whoever actually wrote the scripts. The humor's all mine. MST3K probably deserves a credit just for the heck of it.   
  
  
  
Midnight in a secluded and much seedy part of Geo   
  
Larc: Where's my sister!?   
  
Niccolo: Easy, friend. Did you bring what we asked for?   
  
Chitto: Yeahyeahyeah!!! Hand over da cash! Cashcashcash!!!   
  
Niccolo: Not that, you idiot!   
  
Larc: Yes, I have your statue. May you choke on it!   
  
Niccolo: Oh come now! You're about to be reunited with your sister! You should be happy! Smile!   
  
Larc: *hands over small statue of a falcon* Release my sister, you carrot-chawing -   
  
Niccolo: Enough, before you blow a blood vessel. Let her go.   
  
A ruffled but unhurt Sierra steps into view from the shadows.  
  
Sierra: *mutters* Eat a salad, rabbit.   
  
Larc: *slipping Sierra a knife* So why did you want that statue? You can get ten of those at any garage sale.   
  
Niccolo: No need for you to concern yourself with that, now that I have it. Chitto! Do that psychotic thing you do so well.   
  
Chitto: Yeahyeahyeah!!   
  
Sierra: Now that you have what?   
  
Niccolo: The Mekiv Falcon, you tw... WHERE'D IT GO!?!?   
  



	2. Gem in Black - 2

Gem in Black - 2

# Gem in Black

  


* * *

  
  
Not far above, in the catwalks over the warehouse, a lithe dark shape that might have a lick of flame jutting from its neck snap-coils his zip line and scampers out a nearby window.  
  
Rubens: Got the statue. *moonsaults to next building* Hopefully 'Laz got the middling details taken care of this time.  
  
Mantis-Ant: SKRAAAAHHHHHKK!!  
  
Rubens: *jaw dropping* Looks like that's a negative.  
  
Mantis-Ant: HRAWK!!! *snatches Rubens*  
  
As the overgrown insect prepares to make a quick snack out of the hapless Jumi, another darksuited figure attempts to stealthily drop in behind the two. He succeeds at the dropping part.  
  
Elazul: *whump* Oof! *rubs his sore tush*  
  
Rubens: 'LAZ!!!  
  
Elazul: *Leaping to his feet* Hey, I've got a riddle for you, big and ugly!  
  
Mantis-Ant: SWRAWK?  
  
Elazul *levels an arbalest between its eyes* What's bleeding profusely and can't find its head?  
  
Mantis-Ant: WAAAAAAAAAAAWWWKKK!!  
  
The camera discreetly avoids the Mantis Ant as Elazul pulls the trigger of his arbalest. Rubens falls onto the tiles unceremoniously, covered in bug brain goo. The decapitated insect crumples.  
  
Rubens: You missed that one. If it hadn't almost mangled my arm, I'd slap you upside the head.  
  
Elazul: Yeah, well you have this zip-line stuff down more than I. You're lucky you didn't come out to a general alert. Get to the ground.  
  



	3. Gem in Black - 3

Gem in Black - 3

# Gem in Black 

  


* * *

  
  
Down below, a third figure in dark clothes has run afoul of the most sinister part of Niccolo's security.  
  
Chrys: Of course you don't recognize me. I was just hired on tonight.   
  
Sotherbee: Indeed! Welw, I don't wecalw Niccowo mentioning anything about hiwing new secuwity! And what's with the dawk gwasses? It's awmost midnight!  
  
Chrys: They're highly relaxing. You should get a pair.   
  
Sotherbee: I don't cawe! I'm getting to the bottom of this!   
  
Chrys: Wait. I have proof Nickie hired me. You see this badge? *points to a bright green stone in his chest*   
  
Sotherbee: That's no badge! Thewe's no mawkings owh -   
  
FLASH  
  
Sotherbee: ngguuh???   
  
Chrys: Ok, Fuddy-Duddy, listen up.   
  
Sotehrbee: Where am I? What happened to my accent??   
  
Chrys: You were attacked by a pack of ferocious chain-smoking lemmings, carrying umbrellas and singing pirate songs!   
  
Sotherbee: Smoking Lemmings with Umbrellas!   
  
Chrys: Don't forget the songs. They made you lead them in a rousing chorus of "I Want to Sing and Dance"  
  
Sotherbee: *crooning badly* wear me silver-buckle slippers and me tight shiny pants....  
  
Chrys: Right!   
  
The two previously seen Jumi drop in from above. Rubens is nearly ready to bust a gut laughing.  
  
Rubens: Don't you get tired of playing with people like that?  
  
Chrys: Would you?   
  
Elazul: C'mon, we're out of time!   
  



	4. Gem in Black - 4

Gem in Black - 4

# Gem in Black 

  


* * *

  
  
The black-clad three race out and down the street towards a well-known jewelry shop, when suddenly-  
  
Chrys: Gah!!  
  
**WHUMP**  
  
Boyd: OOF!! Hey! Watch where you're going!  
  
Elazul: *groan* This guy again?  
  
Boyd: Hey, aren't you that stalker? What's going on? A fire and a dinner party at the same house?  
  
Rubens: Chrys?  
  
Chrys: Yeah, it's a party at Kristie's. I have my invitation right here.  
  
FLASH  
  
Boyd: Ghuh?  
  
Chrys: In the low lighting here was a flock of turtles that...   
  
Rubens: Aw, c'mon. You were bowled over by three Jumi in dark suits and sunglassses.  
  
Boyd: Turtles? Dark suitglasses?  
  
Chrys: Why are you telling him that?   
  
Rubens: I wouldn't believe it if I saw it myself.  
  
Elazul: He has you there.  
  
Rubens: You're right, this is fun.  
  



	5. Gem in Black - 5

Gem in Black - 5

# Gem in Black 

  


* * *

  
  
Concluding our little misadventure, we peer in at the back room of the abandoned jewelry shop Wendel, where are well-dressed trio debrief with their boss over a game of cards.  
  
Sandra: *decked out in a black silk evening dress* Chrys, you're going to have to start using more plausible lines; you risk our being discovered with all this nonsense you fill people's heads with.  
  
Chrys: Ah, you take away all my fun. Two for me.  
  
Sandra: *dealing* Elazul, that was a little heavy-handed of you, but efficient. Rubens, you were in and out like the wind. I expect no less from a Lucidia; you set a good example.  
  
Rubens: Thank you.  
  
Sandra: The statue?  
  
Rubens: Here it is. Why all this fuss over a piece of junk anyways?  
  
Sandra: I'll show you. *smashes statue and holds aloft a gem* Maybe you recognize our missing guardian?  
  
Rubens: So Nick hid her core in the statue?  
  
Sandra: Our dragoon friends must have picked it up by mistake. Our luck there.  
  
Elazul: How do we get her mobile again?  
  
Sandra: That's tomorrow's job. I call.  
  
Elazul: Three queens.  
  
Rubens: Ahh, two pair.  
  
Sandra: Flush here.  
  
FLASH  
  
Chrys: Four 2s!  
  
Everyone: Four 2s!  
  
  


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_Gem in Black/The Maltese Falcon/Mission Impossible, brought to you by a mind on too little sleep.   
Copyright 1/19/2001 Dom`ny Mortis, revamp 3/28/2001. _


End file.
